The journey to my heart

Hey y’all!

School has been crazy as usual. Nothing is normal is uni hahha. At this point in time, everything seems overwhelming. I mean not only my academic frustrations, even my CCA commitments are driving me nuts and not to mention finding God in everything I do. It has definitely been difficult over the past few weeks, I must say I barely survived my hectic schedule having to run from one end of Engine to the other end of Biz most of the time. I know I could have done a better job in everything I did but it’s like this.. In these days, when you’re caught in a energy usurping situation, you find yourself wondering if that job is worth your effort and time in getting it accomplished. So much so, I have to admit that everything I’ve been trying to do are ’sub-standard’ and definitely not meeting my expectations. You may say I am imposing too harsh rules on myself or even setting goals that are impossible but I certainly cannot settle for the lousy position I am standing at now.

Oh yes, I am plain exhausted and I can’t wait to go to bed but I have to take some time to reflect, to stop and think of how far or how little I’ve moved from day 1.

There are countless frustrations that are bugging me now, honestly I don’t know where to begin. Hahah. In fact I’m pretty disappointed in myself nowadays, I just can’t can’t can’t can’t open my heart to others. It is terrifyingly scary that I’ve been failing to reach out to the people around me. I can’t explain  this but nowadays I find myself so tired, so exhausted both mentally and physically I just can’t find the strength to be extra nice to the people around me. Okay right, this cannot go on. I’ll try, I promise I will try to do something about this. I’ve been a bitch to many people and I’m really sorry for whoever I’ve been mean to.

The other major thing that’s bugging me are my grades. I am still in dreamland srsly, I have to wake up now and get my act together.

Okay now I can barely keep my eyes open, going to collapse soon. Good night!

Oh yes, this is tougher than I thought it would be but in the next 4 weeks, I’m going to fight to the very end even if it’s going to be a losing battle.

Because with God, all things are possible.

Confused and mostly annoyed.

Ah it seriously feels like A levels again, no wait I mean it feels almost worse than A levels. The increase in level of difficulty is not exactly helping me either. I’m still wishing hopelessly for an easy chapter to come one day but looks like it’ll never happen. What the shit, I’m only year one and the work is terrible already. It’s practically studying for A levels everyday and I just drop dead and die after studying 5 hours straight. How am I going to survive the next 4 years or so?!?!

University in Engineering is no joke, think twice before choosing to this discipline of study.

But I’m not going to complain too much, I mean I think engineering suits me best, I can never imagine myself in biz, arts or science.

Anyhow, mhmm… Annoying much, am I blind or what? Wait wait wait, so damn long, waste my time. What the shit, maybe I’m just thinking too much, not obvious enough meh?

Aiya sian nah, okay going to wash up and then do some EG1108 before going to bed. Wished I had more than 24 hours a day…

 

 

At brink of giving up

Seriously damn sick and tired of living to expectations, so I’ve decided to be an independent shit from today onwards. Period.

Damn it la seriously feeling a frustration that is made up of so many different kinds of frustrations I don’t even know exactly what I’m annoyed with???

In need of inner peace, it’s time to let go of it all.

Damn confusion

Sianzzz

Yeah seriously damn sick of being caught in dilemmas all the time, damn sick of making wrong decisions, damn sick of facing the same problems, damn sick of being 18 years old, damn sick of being a teenager/young adult, damn sick of staying at the same damn position for so long.

Woah, okay pause I know I should be grateful for all I have, I know I should appreciate the many gifts I’m blessed with, I should be thankful for simply being a fortunate and healthy kid. But sometimes I just can’t bring myself to do it, I can’t. And I hate myself for that, I hate myself for being so unappreciative and being such an arrogant and ignorant brat.

I keep complaining that I’m tired, yes like I know what exactly it’s like to go through hardship right. But at this point in time with so many things going on, I feel so damn lost. I lose my drive so fast, I seem to forget to keep the end in mind, it’s as if I’m giving up as soon as I see an obstacle.

Tell me then how to not give up ah. How to balance everything? I totally suck at this. How ironic, uh? after all these years I’m still so lousy at juggling my life.

Heartache ah. So damn painful, have you felt it before or not? Feel like crying also no tears come out. Man, do I sound like some emo ah lian, but seriously I feel so drained.

Say so much also no use. (HAHAHA, I’m a true singaporean siol)  Yes, maybe a small tiny part of my burden has been uplifted but nothing has changed.

First and foremost, I should probably stop giving myself excuses. I should probably stop whining and complaining about my life. I should probably do some goal setting and plan my damn life. I should probably be stronger than I am right now. I should probably start using my brain for the right reasons and the right way. I should probably stand on my own two feet and scream to the world that “I’ve got to be independent, do you have a problem with that?!?”.

What happened to me? Fighter, no more?

Conclusion: Decide for your own life la, wle so old still so lame.

Heart Vacancy?

Too fast too furious

Hey all,

Uni life is one word: busy(as hell), but it’s been really exciting and fun!!! But of course with all the awesome moments comes times when i just feel like committing suicide cos of the workload. Then again, it’s a whole new experience like woah, I’m just beginning to take in the fact that I’m finally at the next stage in life.

Many many many things happened over the past one month or so. I mean I dont think I mentioned that I stopped working in end June, after which I went on an awesome holiday to Australia with my sister and aunt! It was really damn awesome in Australia, really missing the weather and the people and the theme parks and the kangeroos and the food! After that really cool holiday i went for my 3 camps, all of which i will never forget. Made many friends too from all faculties hahahaha. I can’t decide which is the best camp, all 3 of them were special in their own way. Awww hahaha, wtheck.

Anyhow, I shant go into details about the camps and my holiday! Maybe one day when I’m about to pull all my hair out over some physics question yeah i might decide to destress with trying to recall those happy moments in life. Hahaha.

School has begun and woah! NUS is damn big, seriously man. Everyday I’m just climbing stairs, stairs and more stairs and trying to navigate and find my way around the school. I promise you i’m still not entirely sure how to get to certain parts of the school yet even though it’s already week 3 of school! Traveling to school is yet another story. Omg I was not meant to take long train rides, most of the time i just stone and stare into space otherwise i TRY to read my notes (I’ve made some feeble attempts, so it’s not that bad).

Being in NUS also has its merits which include meeting the entire IJ in school all the time, it’s pretty hilarious okay like you walk around school and suddenly eh Siyinn! or like eh wan ngee! Yup really nice seeing those people again (: And i’ve got most of my JC band buds in nus too which is pretty awesome (:(:

Nope i do not regret coming to NUS, though i think i might regret saying this soon as my workload increases (or rather multiplies -.-). As i’ve mentioned, I made many many many friends, and they are really awesome friends. All different kinds of people hahaha. It has only been 3 weeks of school but i feel like i’ve been part of NUS forever. No i really don’t want time to fly, I’m only beginning to enjoy studying again. Yes i’m strange but it feels real good sitting at my table and cracking my brain over some question and mugging in the library feels really damn good.

Okay fine the point of this post wasnt totally about life in Uni, it’s also supposed to be about i dont know how i should put this but let’s just say it was also supposed to be about life.

Damn, why now? why now of all times? Why now when she has to face a stepping stone in life? Why decide on something that shouldnt even be considered? Why do they not think of how unfair it is for them?

Yes, I’m feeling quite helpless and stupid now. Can’t really do anything to salvage the situation, the problem isnt really within my grasp. I can only watch from afar how someone close to me might crumble and fall apart.

Sian. Feeling low now & I’m going to sleep it off.

New chapter baby.

Hey all!

Woah woah woah woah.

TIME FREAKING FLIES. School is going to start in less than a week. Yes, I’m panicking now hahahaha.

So many many many things happened over the past few weeks btw, too many to actually note down. Okay but yup it’s been an eye opener. I’m not going to go into details, just gonna talk about my feelings.

Uni is a going to be an entirely different experience. It is insane! Honestly, I can’t believe all my camps are over. A part of me still wishes that the camps will never end. Hate to face reality, seriously. Then again, I wanna move on, I really wanna grow up, I really wanna lead my own life. I know i may regret saying this someday but sometimes I hate to be stuck in the middle y’know.

Anyhow life goes on, whatever regrets, disappointments, hard feelings, bad experiences- they’re all just part of history where it should be left behind & forgotten.

I don’t know if i’m ready to take on the life ahead of me. Don’t know how different things will be, but i’m already half glad it’s not entirely a repeat of JC life. Looking back, JC life was childish hahahaha.

I must stay focused no matter what, must remember what I want to achieve at the end of my 4 years in NUS, must keep the end in mind, must never regret the decision i made to study here. In need to put things into perspective seriously.

Shall go bathe and reflect when i feel more awake. I’m serious hahaha.

TIME TO PLANNNNNNNN.

Am so glad I’m in control. Note to self: don’t really wanna lose myself in stupid dilemmas or problems.

Changes

Hey all,

I’m amazed at how much people i haven’t seen in ages have changed.  And then i think about it and realise that I’m one of them.

It gets me thinking how people are so vulnerable or susceptible to change? Our environment, the people around us, their reactions, their ideas, media… whatever plays a part whether big or small. It’s scary yet exciting to try to picture ourselves just two years later. Yeah two years is all it takes to change a person, two years is all it takes for one to grow. It took me two years to change my perspective, it took me two years to accept the things i cannot change.

Well if you see it from another point of view, in two years i learnt a whole new culture. In two years, I’ve met some friends I’ve grown to love. In two years, I grew and matured a lot. In two years, i went through so many roller coaster rides i think i’ve lst count. In two years (and slightly more), here’s where i stand today.

In many ways, if i could i wouldn’t mind reliving the entire JC experience again. Even if it meant going through all the horror of tests and whatnot.

Anyhow, the future is not for us to know and i’ve learnt that unexpected things always happen and they usually catch you offguard. Yes, sometimes you just cry over those things and lose yourself in the pool of unhappiness, yet sometimes you can’t believe your luck and how blessed you are, you break out in tears of joy.

Somehow, God has his way of blessing us with surprises in our lives especially when we least expect. They may not be what we want but we should always believe that’s what God wants for us. If he brings you to it, you can bet he’ll take you through it.  

I don’t know how you’re gonna take this but I feel so blessed and lucky this year. This year couldn’t have been a better year for me, srsly. It’s scary that time is actually flying and half a year has passed. I’m so thankful for the past 6 months or so. And i’m saying this cos life was unkind to me before.

I’m definitely trying to live each day to the fullest, trying to cherish every minute every second of this phase in life. Cos i know i can never turn back the clock and i know i’ll look back one day and wish things will just repeat itself once more. Somehow i just end up hoping that there’ll be this replay button that i can hit as and when i want to.

Anyway i dont know why but i have this strange thought that i havent gotten the hang of how life actually works. Yeah like how do we know what decisions we should make, how do we know what opportunities to seize, how do we know what risks we should take?

What a ridiculous thought!

Sometimes i just wish there is a memory eraser to remove the unhappy times and misery in my memory so that i’ll only be left with the happy, joyful awesome moments to remember. But i suppose those miserable moments comes with the package! One cannot do without the other.

Hate it when stupid thoughts drift around and lingers in my head.

Vicious cycle

Hey all

Damn.

I’m getting really annoyed, seems like i always stumble upon the same obstacle and i take forever to recover. Found my weakness people, it never fails to get at me. It is a vicious cycle i fall into all the time, and it’s really difficult to climb out of it. Oh i’m so pissed. Seriously, last year also like that wahlaoeh.

Life sucks for me, oh great.

Double edged sword?

Hey all!

Awesomest shitzx, I finally got an opportunity to perform in the Esplanade and its as if things are not exciting enough, i got to perform with Nanyang. Which means i got to perform with my 2009-2010 section mates again! Seriously time flies and I cannot believe that I’ve graduate from JC, time flies too fast. It seems like I haven’t enjoyed enough of JC life and guess what? It’s been half a year since I’ve left the comforts of Nanyang. Okay fine, it wasn’t a bed of roses in Nanyang, in fact half the time I found myself struggling to climb Mount A’levels. No matter how much I think I ’suffered’, Nanyang will always hold a special place in my heart. (How cliche and cheesy, but wtheck) More importantly, I’ll never forget the Band experience. I’ll never never never forget the friendships I forged with my Band mates, Nanyang will be incredibly different without them. I’ll never forget SYF and the exhausting practices, I’ll never forget Danza, I’ll never forget my seniors (I seriously still admire them a lot), I’ll never forget my awesomest batch section mates, I’ll never forget all the performances some of which were really ridiculous hahaha, I’ll never forget the Malaysia trip, I’ll never forget performing in the rain, I’ll never forget Peterloo Overture, I’ll never forget Noah’s Ark, I’ll never forget the awkward moments, I’ll forget the late night walks in the cold, I’ll never forget Aureus Experentia, I’ll never forget Jap Graff, I’ll never forget sinfonia festiva, and now i’ll never forget limelight 2011.

I’m pretty irritating and longwinded, uh? Haha. Oh well, annoying or not it all adds up to how much I’m going to miss band.

Endings are never easy to accept, and maybe happily ever after doesn’t exist.

If he takes you there, he’ll see you through it

Today was indeed the worst day of my life, I’m not exaggerating but it just was. I washed one side of my contact lens down the sink but my dad managed to get it out from the trap. Sounds lucky? But it’s not any luckier from dropping it down the sink and never getting it out cos I’m quite sure there’s alot of Bacteria trapped in it but of course do I look like I have a choice? Yup so I’m using it, you may read this in disgust but y’know what I can’t think of another solution to deal with my customized contact lens. Okay yes that was the worst thing that happened to me. Okay not just yet, because I was painting my uncle’s house in the afternoon and on top of the emotional trauma from the incident I was exhausted by the time I went for my alumni band so guess what. I was a great disappointment. I’m so used to being picked on by conductors so I don’t really care cos anyway I couldn’t exactly make myself play better cos I lethargic to the point of puking, yes no kidding, so there you go- the worst day of my life. Oh and I found out that most of my band friends are going to NUS, great job right (:
Well on a more optimistic note, I survived the day. But one thing’s for sure I’m not gonna wanna rmb this day ever. Ironic how I’m posting about this right, oh well. Life is mostly ironical, in many ways it is pretty dramatic sometimes when you think about it. Haha.